Rationalization
by maebyfunkebluth
Summary: It's the end of summer, and everyone is nervous. Veronica convinces herself it's completely normal to be so scared. It's the end of summer, right? Complete
1. Chapter 1

There were only two weeks left. The days were ending too soon, and every moment was desperately filled with something so that time wouldn't be wasted. Veronica could feel the end of summer, and no matter what she did the shaky feeling in her stomach wouldn't subside. She sat on the beach, sand coating the backs of her calves in a fine layer. She felt like a chicken someone had breaded, and now she was going to be fried in the hot sun. Her stomach growled and she knew her choice of simile hadn't been accidental. She wondered if she had enough time to head back to her apartment and make herself a sandwich. Peanut butter and banana, ham and cheese, turkey and mustard, BLT. She knew that she was just keeping her mind busy so it wouldn't wander. He was late. Exactly thirty-two minutes late. She would try to not look at her watch, because she knew if she did the seconds would drag on forever and she would psych herself out. She just couldn't help but look at her wrist and tally up how many valuable minutes she had spent sitting on the hot beach.

Twenty minutes, she promised herself. If he wasn't there in twenty minutes then she would leave. But somehow twenty minutes passed tediously while she cursed herself for wasting valuable time. Her insides ached in a way that had become too familiar to her the past year, and she could feel the anxiety in her bones. Sandwiches, she thought. That's a good topic. Sandwiches. I'll go home and take out some wonderbread, do we have any? Should I go to the store? What if something happened to him? What if he's hurt? What if- She cut herself off. She filtered the sand through her shaky fingers as she forced herself to not go through worst-case scenarios in her head.

She stood up and felt a familiar weight in her pocket. How could she have been so stupid? Of course! Her cell phone! She let out a deep breath, trying to release the tension she had been holding in. Sometimes she felt like she was losing her mind, forgetting the simplest things. She smirked a little at her own stupidity. Next she would leave her toothbrush in the freezer or something to that degree. He was on speed dial, number three.

Number one was her father because he liked to brag to his friends (all three of them) that his daughter called him everyday just to say hi. He didn't mention the fact that if she couldn't get hold of him she would start to hyperventilate. She tried to forget the afternoon where he had been stuck in an airport in Arizona, not allowed to leave the plane. She had had a-she hated the phrase-panic attack. Something about it made her feel paranoid and unstable, like she needed to be locked up somewhere. But she went through with her daily routine of checking up on her dad and every time she heard his voice she clamed down just a little.

Number two was Wallace because he was her BFFL and who else would she call to gossip about the bitchy new waitress at Java the Hut?

And Logan was number three. On his cell phone she was number one, and she pretended she had never noticed the disparity. She told herself it didn't really matter, because number two was Dick Casablancas, and on one memorable afternoon she had found out that his hairstylist was third on his speed dial.

The phone rang loudly into her ear. And it rang. And rang.

"You've reached Logan Echolls. Just remember, be the change you wish to see in the world. _Beep._"

"It's Veronica. You're kind of late, and I don't want to sound all stalkery possessive girlfriend on you, but where are you? Believe me, I don't want to activate the secret tracking device in your molar, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Call me ASAP before I go secret agent on your ass. I'll be at home."

Veronica picked up her messenger bag and wiped sand from her cargo shorts. Her shoulders were a little pink, and when the rough material of her bag rubbed against the bare skin they stung uncomfortably. She stretched out her arm behind her back and mentally prepared herself for the trek home. Walking sucked. It was too early in the morning to be mobile and now that her mid-morning coffee/brunch plans with Logan were off, she didn't have the required caffeine and protein to be awake. In reality the walk was a short one, but her legs felt like the sand dollar that was lying next to her big toe. One step and they'd shatter.

She lazily made her way home, pushing all thoughts to the back of her head and concentrating on just putting her feet down instead. Her flip-flops thunk-thunked against the pavement, and finally she was home.

As she flopped down on her sofa she could hear the scuffling above from the new neighbors moving in. A middle-aged couple with two cats, and from what Veronica could hear, extraordinarily mushy pet names for each other. So far Veronica had overheard through the ceiling; "cutie-pie", "sugar woogy", and "you asshole get me the hamburger helper from the store." Still they added a much needed touch of domesticity to the complex, especially now that Keith was gone so often. Veronica didn't want to think about that though.

A knock on the door resounded through the apartment. She rushed to the door and opened it, hope rising in her stomach.

"Logan?"

"Sorry I was late."

"I… I…"

Veronica's respiratory system mutinied and let out a small sniffle. She sighed.

"Logan, I didn't mean to freak out. It's very early and I could use a highly caffeinated beverage not lacking in the sugar. Can we go?"

"Of course."

They drank coffee and joked and fought a little, and Veronica relaxed. It was the end of summer, and everyone was a little touchy now right? Just a little while till summer was finally over and she could be calm again. School would start and she would be her fearless self again. Right?


	2. Chapter 2

There were only two weeks left. The days were ending too soon, and every moment was desperately filled with something so that time wouldn't be wasted. Logan knew that summer had to end, but for now he would concentrate on the small amount of time he had left before school started and everyone went crazy again. He was in bed and he rolled over carefully, trying not to be more active then he had to be Except he wasn't in bed. He was in a sofa. Which he had just rolled out of.

"Shit."

"Hey man, you were like sleeping beauty or something gay like that. Couldn't wake you up."

"So instead of kissing me you chose to play video games and drink beer that's been left out for god knows how long? Thanks."

"Whatevs."

"What time is it? I have to see Veronica."

"Dude, what's that sound I hear in the distance, is it… A whip! Ca-ching!" Dick made a noise that in no way resembled a whip and kept punching buttons on his game controller.

"Seriously, what time is it?"

"I dunno."

"Dick, you have a thousand dollar Rolex on your wrist. Can you read it or do I have topretend my arms are the hands of the clock?"

"It's early I guess."

"Dick. Just freaking tell me what time it is!"

"Why don't you just look behind you?"

Logan peered over the sofa he'd been sleeping on. A huge clock was mounted on the wall.

"Thanks man," he muttered sarcastically. Dick just nodded, his mouth full of stale beer. Logan worried about him sometimes. Everyone had different coping mechanisms and Dick's was denial. Logan knew one day that something would set him off and that Dick was basically a loaded gun. Loaded in both senses of the word, because he wasn't even waiting for breakfast now to start drinking. Veronica's coping mechanism was to act like everything was fine, while inside she deteriorated. Veronica! He had to run.

Logan sprinted out the door and ran to his car. His huge yellow car. Which had in no way turned invisible overnight, right? So then where the hell was his car?

"Dude where's my car?"

"I dunno, where's your car dude!" Dick cracked up.

"Not funny, where is it?"

"You came in mine. Don't know if you want to use it though, cause that blonde I had in there last night got kinda sick."

"She threw up on you Dick."

" Yeah."

Logan swore to himself. He took off at a slow jog. He didn't want to leave Veronica alone for too long, because well. It was normal, but she worried a lot. Maybe a bit too much. It was fine, Logan didn't mind having her depend on him, hell he wouldn't mind if she enslaved him and forced him to wait on her hand and foot. God, his feet were killing him. But Veronica needed him. They were going to have brunch.

He reached in his pocket so he could check the time on his cell phone. No cell phone. Damn it, he must've left it at Dick's. Shitshitshitshitshit, the mantra repeated over in his head as his feet pounded the pavement. Veronica needed him to be there for her, she couldn't be alone, not after that night when she thought she was really alone, her father dead, her mother gone, no one in the world to look after her but him. Father dead and mother gone, and even if he didn't love his father, it was so lonely. Veronica couldn't be alone. He would keep her company. She didn't have to be so alone.

He was so close, he could see the beach, he was so close. He practically collapsed on the sand. He really needed to get a personal trainer or something, what was the point of living a quasi-Hollywood lifestyle if you couldn't hire people to make you look pretty and muscular?

Where was Veronica? He looked around, one step from total desperation. Where the hell was Veronica? Probably at her apartment. He would be so glad for the year to start. College dorms definitely weren't that glamorous, but they did have perks. Like no over protective fathers with recently sorted out grudges. Knowing Veronica's father her dorm room would have a video camera hidden in the ceiling or something. That thought struck a little too close to home. Fathers hiding video cameras in the ceiling was a concept Logan was too familiar with.

Logan arrived on Veronica's doorstop out of breath, and with barely enough energy to lift his hand to the door and weakly rap it with his knuckles.

"Logan?"

"Sorry I was late."

"I… I…"

Veronica let out a tiny noise, and Logan watched as she mentally berated herself for almost crying. His chest clenched a little, and he felt so bad. He never should've left her alone. Logan watched as Veronica resolved herself.

"Logan, I didn't mean to freak out. It's very early and I could use a highly caffeinated beverage not lacking in the sugar. Can we go?"

"Of course."

They drank coffee and joked and fought a little, and Logan relaxed. It was the end of summer, and everyone was a little touchy now right? Just a little while till summer was finally over and Veronica would be surrounded by thousands of people. She wouldn't be so lonely. In just a little while summer would end and Logan wouldn't feel so lonely. Merely weeks from now his normal life would start, and he wouldn't be so alone. Right?


	3. Chapter 3

At night she sleeps on her back, legs pressed closely together, her blanket up to her chin. Sometimes she can feel hands running up her legs, sweaty shaky hands that keep on moving up the tedious slope of her legs. And then her eyes open and she takes jerky gulps of air and reminds herself that it's all in her head. Which isn't actually very comforting at all.

In her classes she takes detailed notes, makes meticulous careful transcripts of everything the professors say. But sometimes she just can't listen to the politics of third century Rome, and her hand wanders aimlessly to the margin of the page. She looks through her notes and finds simple little line-drawings of planes, of guns, of names like BEAVER and CASSIDY. There is one page where the two names are written on top of each other. The pen has bled through the paper onto the sheet beneath, and you can barely make out the letters. She likes that. Like maybe they cancel each other out, the victimized Cassidy and the criminal mastermind Beaver. Or is it the other way around? But Veronica likes the thought that maybe the two names make a different name. One that isn't evil and isn't a martyr.

When she has her weekly Italian take-out binges with her father, sometimes her chest constricts a little, and she thinks about how lost she would be without him. Sometimes when she wakes up in her dorm room and he isn't eating breakfast just down the hall she feels alone and scared.

But these things will pass. Because college will just take a little time to get used to. She tells herself that.


	4. Chapter 4

Please review, Thanks!

He tells himself that things will pass and that living by himself will take time to get used to.

He is lost in the crush of people sometimes. He goes to the store by himself, and he can feel everyone rushing around him on their way to normal lives. People bump into him when he visits Hearst, their arms full of books. He sees them start awkwardly to try and talk to him, but their enthusiasm is cut short by four simple words. "I don't go here."

He is dragged to parties, but no on really pays attention to him there. Bodies press against him and drunk sorority girls try and remember what class he has with them. "I don't go here," he says. They turn away and talk to some member to of the "Zetas" or the "Betas" or something.

Veronica becomes more outgoing, and she makes shaky new friendships. Logan comes in and he's the 165 pound movie star's orphan in the room.

He makes plans to do things, but there isn't really anything for him to do.

He goes to a lot of movies. Brushes up on his pop culture references. Eats food from all over the world with Veronica and tries to hold on to her while she gets swept up in an entirely new world he can't even taste.

At night he sleeps alone in his queen sized bed with posturepedic swiss pillows and goose down comforters. It isn't comfortable though, no matter how many soft and fluffy things he piles into it. Sometimes he wakes up embracing the pillow like it is another person. He misses his old room sometimes.

Please review, Thanks!


End file.
